Not much interest to some, but may be of great interest to those who have grown up "trying to be good".
I think I've been coming to a new understanding of the idea of confession lately. My understanding up until recently was this:
Confession was the process of saying that I am sorry and promising not to do it again (whatever "it" is), which means that I couldn't truly confess unless I really was sorry and really didn't want to do it again. This is a strange position for someone like myself who really didn't want to do "bad" things but had a decent understanding that I would almost assuredly keep doing them.
For example: Say that I'm flipping through the channels one night and I run across a movie that I know will have alot of nudity in it. I don't think it's right for me to be watching stuff like that (it's hard to justify the damage done by this sort of thing no matter what your standard of "right" is), but I watch it anyways because I want to.
Later, after the movie is over I feel guily for doing something that I knew was wrong. I realize that what I've lost through my actions (which is too much to list here, but I encourage you to think about it) is much more than I've gained (a few hours of pleasant distraction) which makes me truly sorry for what I've done. So I truly am sorry. I truly don't want to do it again...or do I?
Are my desires so single-minded that I can truly say that I don't want to do this again? Are anybody's? Think about it. You want to love those close to you (spouse, friends, whatever), but you also want to be selfish. Our desires appear to be multifaceted. Our minds seem to be too complex to be truly single-minded
So, in my understanding, for me to say that I truly don't want to do something means that every facet of my desire is pointed away from that thing I don't want to do. Can I say that about not watching those kinds of movies? No, I can't. There is still a part of me that wants the escape, that wants the control, that wants my curiousity satisfied. So even in the moments of greatest sorrow for what I've done I can't honestly say that I won't do it again. Here's where the revelation comes in. I may not have to.
In reading Scripture I see a theme of God wanting honesty and faith from his children. I also see a pattern of God being displeased with dishonesty and pride, so why do I attempt to fool myself and God in my acts of "confession"? Why do I tell him that I'll do better next time? What makes me think I'll do better? Will my will-power be stronger next time? Will I be less tempted next time? Will I be a better person next time? Probably not. So why do I persist in telling God that I will do better?
I don't think I know, or rather I don't think I know the whole picture. I think that part of the reason is that it's the most immediate way to relieve my feelings of guilt and condemnation. "I'm not really a bad person if I only do it this time and I try real hard not to do it again, right? You and I are still ok, God, right?"
It is only recently that I came to some sort of understanding the weight that this kind of confession puts on me. Every time I confess the lies just keep piling up. They stack so high that I start to believe them myself.
What a difference it is to be able to tell God "I did it again! I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyways. Given the chance I would, in all honesty, probably do it again, but there is a part of me that doesn't want to do these things. Please strengthen that part. Without your help I am lost. Without you I have no hope. Thank you that I am not left hopeless."
Do you see the difference? Do you see the freedom that honesty before God gives you? You're not putting up a front. You're not making any promises you can't keep. You can be real, and it feels like a breath of fresh air after being false for so long.
I know there's an easy objection to my line of thinking. "It's too easy to sin if we confess this way." Maybe it is. Like I said, I'm only now beginning to come to this understanding. All I know that, as of right now, it feels good to be real.
Posted by amduffy at August 17, 2004 03:24 PM | TrackBackOk, how do you find time to plan a wedding and blog? You must be incredible! =)
Posted by: jeep at August 18, 2004 04:24 PMI'm actually already married, but yes, I am incredible...and humble...the most humble person you'll ever know.
Posted by: aduff at August 19, 2004 03:12 PMIs this Amanda Duffy?
Posted by: jeep at August 19, 2004 05:05 PMNope, Aaron Duffy.
Who you be?
How true. How true.
Posted by: Carl at August 19, 2004 05:48 PMMaybe that does make it too easy to sin. Or maybe it doesn’t. When I look at the traditional way, I see it this way. If we could truly confess, repent, and abstain ever more, then theoretically climbing the ladder to become a perfect Christian would only be a matter of time. And that certainly isn’t biblical. So I don’t know you can say your revelation (which I found extremely helpful) makes it easier to sin when the alternative (or the traditional way) forces you to lie to God’s face. That has to become a barrier in your communication to God.
To me, saying, “God, I am sorry for watching that movie. I won’t do it again.” is simply not true. If I say that, I am completely lying to God’s face. Not only is that a sin in and of itself, but God sees right through me. If I were honest to God, I would be straight forward and admit that the fact that I am a Christian is the ONLY thing that stands between me and watching movies like that all the time. And since I am not a perfect Christian (At All!!!), then I make mistakes. For me, it is much easier to not sin because of God’s love than it is because of God’s authority (His rule book – His Law). I guess that is due to my sinfully rebellious nature.
The best I can tell, honesty is the best policy
testing one two three....testing one two three
Posted by: charity at August 24, 2004 03:47 PM